Pick Your Poison

the way things are now

I didn't used to be like this. Before my heart was uncovered from its barriers, broken shell crashing to the floor, I was a very different human. Yes, I still was loud, brash, and attracted to the darker side of comedy... but my ability to utilize my innate charisma, to enliven those around me, to truly be able to open myself up to others with love; these traits had not yet been activated. When that confused (and cheating) woman walked out of my life, I was forced (by the extremity of my emotions) to either embrace the pain and sorrow or to truly love myself for what the world made me to be.

The moment I held my hand to my chest and uttered the words "I love you, Peter" my universe instantly shifted in a way I could have never imagined. The smile seemed to creep up from that same space where the hurt had pierced my chest. My eyes found a new light in that experience, but at that moment I was totally ignorant as to whether I had taken the path that would truly nurture me through the bullshit.

Throughout this time Bre'Aja had comforted me with perspectives that put lyrics to my song of sorrow, true lyrics about overcoming adversity and finding the truth of character that my fucked up break-up had freed in my ego. My sister comforted me profoundly as she related her stories of past heartbreak that made me connect with her on such a beautiful level. My father and mother both consoled me wonderfully, and I was a blank canvas for their words of wisdom to ripple through my soul. Others came in to my life to help, I was overwhelmed by how much people helped me when I thought that they could not.

Stephanie's departure had broken down my barriers to the point where my past lessons could socialize and amalgamate. With the introduction of the self-love that was only possible from this sudden and chaotic degradation of my self consciousness, I now found a sturdy path to walk upon. And then the universe began to violently validate my choice to hold myself as a beautiful and meaningful ontological being.

The desert. Loretta. Candyflip(ping). Steve. Michelle. Nano.
These were truly gifts from something outside of my perception. My dreams could not have constructed such amazing fortune, no acid trip could show me the forms that found me. I began to be told "I love you" from the people around me, from the world, from strangers. I began to love in a way that is so self-perpetuating. I wont even delve into these names or what they mean, each one deserves an entire lifetime of expression to come close to thanking them for what they gave me.

And now after my self-love has become scripture, a tattoo, I sit here in thanks and silence.

Epiphany and all, I love you. I love you. I love you.