Pick Your Poison

I've seen you again...

...in my nightmares. It wasn't for long, you didn't have much to say. You just passed right by; I suppose the worst part is that it wasn't you. It was in my head after all, it was my own construction of these fears, expectations, and memories. But just that split-second glance we shared within the realm of my subconscious was more than enough to spin me into rubble.
I wish it didn't matter. I want to be free from these feelings of lack, need, remorse, and spite. I want to truly actualize the knowledge that its over and done, that it was wrong and it is time to move forward. To actually forgive and then re-utilize the resources that I'm wasting worrying about this.
It is insane to recollect how often and intensely I wanted to leave, wanted out, tried to move on only to get sucked right back into your vortex of instability. It was so clear then that we were wrong, that there was no more moisture left in our soil. But still, through all of it, you persevered. You didn't give up, you kept the vicious cycle going for far too long. I was too incapacitated to escape the pull of your gravity.
Now that I've attained my freedom and you aren't asking me to come back, why the fuck do I still feel tortured? My only guess is that I haven't yet found my own stability or rhythm; I haven't yet healed and put good graces back into the momentum of my future success. Either way, this is my struggle for now.
I hope my brain no long shows me your face, but if it does... well, I guess it's just more inspiration to work harder, endure this maelstrom, and eventually work towards righteousness. I resent you and miss you still, and these are clear signs that I have a lengthy road to travel ahead.